not happy.
not happy at all.
and that on its own is stupid since i have very little to not be happy about, with the exception of typical teenage issues i.e. unrequited love etc
SO.
grr.
okay, i'm going to start this entry again without deleting what i wrote above, since that seems to pretty much sum up the '...what the fuck?' state of my mind at this moment, day, week, god knows how long. okay. starting over.
hello, xanga.
quite a bit has been happening, which i feel duty bound and also stress-relief bound to note down into an online blog so that it can sit in cyberspace until such time as i delete my account on here which will probably happen at some point during my lifetime if not sooner.
i had my first therapist session yesterday, and i don't really know what to say about the whole talking part of it - i was just sitting there with my parents and this lovely woman, freezing up inside my head and thinking 'oh, god' all the way through it - i was just so stupidly scared of being judged by her or seeming weak or whatever in front of my parents which i can abstractly understand, i guess, if it wasn't so insane - it's a bloody ED therapist session, for goodness sake - of course i need to actually SHARE some of my thoughts and feelings.
she took my heart rate and apparently it was abnormal or something, going thud-thud-thud -breath to recover- thud-thud-thud -breath to recover- etc, and was waaaay too low - so then i had to go for this bloody ECG scan and when i was waiting this girl opposite me was staring something chronic. i was just like, DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THIS PERSON. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. but of course i made eye contact and this girl just stared brazenly at me - just, what the hell? i'm not interesting enough to warrant staring of that excessive nature, and OH MY GOD. STOP LOOKING AT MY LEGS, I KNOW THEY'RE TOO THIN. I DON'T NEED YOU STARING AT MY LEGS. STOP IT.
i was so close to actually yelling at her when she'd been sitting there doing it for five straight minutes, it was a blessed relief when i got called in for the scan.
bloody people nowadays. and i don't care that i sound like a grouchy old man.
on another note, 'flower' and her fucking boyfriend are back together, and just to add injury to more injury, i was on his facebook page doing the usual boredom-inflicted stalking when i discovered this, and then immediately above the bloody relationship update was a comment from her using a petname which we'd always used for eachother - not even a standard one like 'honey' or 'baby', this really long, complex, jokey one which we'd had for years - and NOW apparently she's made it into 'their thing'.
HEARTBREAK?
i'm TOO YOUNG TO HAVE BEEN IN LOVE.
WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?
ffs.
